My phone rang at work today with a number I didn't recognize. I knew it was in the same State as me but I had never seen it before. Usually I don't pick up those types of calls but today I did. It turned out to be one of my high school friends from a long long time ago. It had been a couple years but I could still tell her voice needed to vent. We played the small chat game with the usual questions: how is NB? how is the family?
Beth never calls me, in fact the last time I had talked to her she was attemping to leave her husband. We drifted apart after she went back to him. Partly because I couldn't stomach it and partly because he has always felt threatened by our friendship.
This call was much of the same. They had gotten in a fight because she was refusing to have sex with him. He proceeded to take her car keys and go on the internet to find a local girl. His family had raised him that it's okay to cheat if you're not getting it from your wife. Can you see why I drifted away from this friendship?
Last night the blowout also entailed him telling her he wants a divorce and to get out. He told her she could have their one son but he was keeping the other. Beth has lost all of her friends so the only person she could call was her parents. They told her to work it out with him. In their defense, they had forked over thousands of dollars for a lawyer the first time she said she was leaving him. That wasn't the response she wanted so now she called me.
I know that deep down she was looking for me to rescue her the 100th time. I told her that if she wanted to leave him her best bet was to get a job and start saving her money (just like my Mom had done.) I know she was waiting for me to tell her she could stay with me. Towards the end of the call I flat out asked her if she wanted a divorce from him. She responded "no, not really." After that we chatted about her kids and the 2 eggs she had donated for IVF and how her husband had taken that money and opened up a pizza joint. At the end of the call I told her she could contact me whenever and that my work had an 800 number so her husband wouldn't be able to tell she was calling me. Beth told me that's why she had called me at work.
When we hung up I realized that I am a much different person than I was 5 years ago. A long time ago that call would have had me leaving work, picking her and her son up, and moving them into my house. Time has showed me that Beth will only change her situation if she wants too. The thought of going back to work and being independent is something she is still not ready for. I hope someday that she realizes she is worth so much more but nothing I can say or do will ever teach her that. You can try so hard to help someone or change them but it's always going to be up to them. You can give up your time, your money, your life to help but they have to find the fire within. This is a hard lesson to learn and I experienced it first hand when I lost my brother to addiction. The interesting thing about life is sometimes you don't realize how much an experience has changed you until you revisit your past.
